Dear Alcohol

~ " Finding The Humor " ~

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem
to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game,
and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe
that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1.  Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2.   Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled
with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik
and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese
fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3.   Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga
to improve my balance,I see NO need to hammer
the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds
to get the front door key into the lock.

4.   Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, beer googles,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5.   If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely
do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***'is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6.   Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance
for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday
or Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities. Come on now, it's only fair
-- you do your part, I'll do mine.Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship
for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when I just don't
know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue
this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and
address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday
3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

~ Author Unknown ~

I found this funny when I first read it
but then the embarrassment kicked in when
I realized how much I could relate to almost all of these things
I'm sooooo glad I ended my relationship with alcohol!!



 
   
 


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